Why Your Psychotherapist Needs to Like You (And Why You Should Like Them, Too)
Let’s be real: finding a therapist often feels like a hellscape version of online dating, but with higher stakes and more paperwork. You spend hours scrolling through directories of stiff headshots and bios that use the word “holistic” six times without actually saying anything.
Usually, the conventional wisdom is that your therapist should be a blank slate—a neutral, nodding bobblehead who exists in a vacuum. We’re told that their personal beliefs don’t matter as long as they have the right degree and they take your insurance (it’s a tough economy!).
But here’s a radical thought: Your therapist actually needs to like you. And for that to happen, you need to be in the same metaphorical zip code when it comes to how you view the world.
It’s Not a Detached Patella
If you tear your ACL or have a detached patella (shoutout to the anatomy nerds), you don’t necessarily need your orthopedic surgeon to share your views on wealth redistribution or the dismantling of the gender binary. You just need them to be good with a scalpel. You can be unconscious for the most important part of that relationship.
Therapy is not that. You cannot be unconscious for therapy (unless you’re doing some very specific Freud-era psychoanalysis, but who does that anymore … and who can afford it?!
Healing in psychotherapy doesn't come from a sterile "treatment" applied to you like an ointment. The bulk of the heavy lifting happens within the therapeutic alliance. That’s the fancy clinical term for the vibe, the trust, and the fundamental click between two humans. If the alliance isn't there, you’re basically just paying for a very expensive, one-sided conversation with someone who doesn't "get" it.
The Myth of the "Neutral" Therapist
In most spaces, we are often told that "good" therapy is objective. But neutrality is a luxury of the privileged. When your daily existence is shaped by the grind of capitalism, the weight of structural racism, and the persistent hum of the patriarchy, a "neutral" therapist can feel gaslighting at worst and exhausting at best.
If you have to spend the first twenty minutes of every session explaining why a microaggression at work wasn't "just a misunderstanding" or why "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps" is a physical impossibility when you don't own boots, you aren't doing therapy. You’re doing unpaid diversity, equity, and inclusion training for your therapist. You’re creating more emotional labor versus healing from it.
Affinity, Worldview, and Why "Liking" Matters
This is where the concept of affinity comes in. For a therapeutic relationship to be transformative, there needs to be a shared worldview.
If you are a QTPOC leftist/liberationist-oriented person, finding a therapist who shares those identities and values isn't "selective"—it’s essential. It’s a basic must-have. It means your therapist understands that your "anxiety" might actually be a very logical response to living under a crumbling late-stage capitalist empire that won’t let you escape an oppressive job under an abusive boss. It means they recognize that your "trauma" isn't just about your childhood, but about the colonized world we are forced to navigate … and about your childhood.
When your therapist "likes" you through the lens of shared fundamental beliefs, the work changes. You move from defending your reality to exploring it, processing it and moving towards reconciling it. You don't have to translate your soul; you’re already speaking the same language.
The 3-Ish Session Rule
So, how do you know if you’ve found "The One" (or at least "The One Who Can Help")? You give it about three sessions.
Session 1: The "Vibe Check." This is where you see if they can handle your politics and your identity without flinching or over-compensating. Do they seem like a person you’d actually want to talk to, or are they giving you white-washed, "corporate HR" energy?
Session 2: The "Deep Dive." Start dropping the real stuff. If you mention that your depression is tied to the state of the world, do they try to "refame" it as a personal failing that you can manage by practicing mindfulness, or do they nod, validate it, and affirm that it’s true AF because they’re feeling it too?
Session 3: The "Gut Check." By now, you should know if there’s a spark of affinity. Do you feel seen and understood, or do you feel like a specimen under a mainstream liberal microscope?
If by the end of the third session you feel like they don’t truly "get" or like the person you are—or if you feel like you have to perform a "palatable" version of yourself for them—it’s okay to bounce.
Final Thoughts
You deserve a space where your therapist isn't just tolerating your radical queer blackness or your anti-capitalist rants, but is actually cheering them on. You deserve a relationship where the alliance is built on the solid ground of shared values and mutual respect.
Therapy is an intimate, nuanced dance. Make sure you’re dancing with someone who knows the steps—and someone who actually likes the music you’re playing.
Disclosure : This blog article was written with the assistance of AI, but the topic, themes, sociopolitical perspectives, and tone were wholly derived from the author.